In the center of God’s will

As I’ve been following Jesus, asking for guidance and direction, often I find myself questioning if I heard correctly from the Lord. I get hints and nudges from the Lord of what direction I should be moving in and then take steps of faith to see if I was right. Once I get to where I think I should be, I often wonder, “did I hear clearly from God? am I doing what He wants me to do?”

Of course God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, He wants to hear what we want to do. God doesn’t want slaves or servants, He wants sons and daughters who are willing to do what He asks. But because I know my heart and my sinful nature, I’m hesitant to do simply what I want. I know God’s plans are greater than mine and I know that His plans for me are good, so why would I want to do anything else but His will?

As I move in forward in my faith walk with God, I realize that God will give me gifts to confirm the choices that I’ve made. Since being in Kansas City and now the Philippines, I’ve gotten more dejavus and dreams than ever before. One of my leaders said, “Dejavus mean you are in the right place, at the right time.” and I believe it. Often I get a dejavu only to realize that I had a dream about that exact event days or months ago. I know that this is a gift from the Lord telling me, “You are doing exactly what I have asked and you are in the center of my will.”

It would be so easy to shake off a feeling of dejavu or to say that everything is a coincidence. But knowing how sovereign God is and how detailed He is in bringing things together, I believe there are no coincidences. So the next time you aren’t quite sure if you are in the center of God’s will, ask Him for a confirmation and don’t be so quick to wave off the small things in your life. God works in big signs & wonders but He also works in the small details of everyday life.

This photo is from the Call2All LA Global Congress. During the Congress, hundreds of people came to commit their lives to seeing the Gospel spread throughout the world in different arenas. This was a powerful time of prayer and a stirring of hearts. The Lord moved powerfully during the week that I was in LA.

And of course, Lou Engle’s Global Call was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. 7 hours of prayer for not only our nation of America but for the nations across the earth. The MOST POWERFUL time that I was able to experience was during the racial reconciliation between Korea, China and Japan. Each nation was represented by its own person, each person turning to each other and asking for forgiveness, for the things that have happened in the past during the Korean War, the Japanese occupation of Korea, etc. There were so many things, but through each area of repentance, I felt my heart being wretched for all the wounds and the generational burdens that have come through my own family. I just started weeping uncontrollably as this went on. My heart was forever changed.

Another area that the Lord really opened my eyes to was the “One Child Policy” in China. Many of us may have heard of it, but I never knew the extent of which this policy was enforced. Women who are expecting a second child or their first and do not have a “Birthing Permit” will be abducted and forced to abort their child. Many women have died during the forced abortion and some children are aborted within the 9th month of the pregnancy! This shook me to the core. As this issue was exposed to everyone during the Global Call, Lou Engle and Cindy Jacobs both stood to say that 2012 would be dedicated to prayer for ending the “One Child Policy” in China. If you want to know more, you can check out this website: www.allgirlsallowed.org

This week has marked my heart forever.

Looking Ahead

I’ve recently got back to Kansas City this past week and it feels so good to be back here. The last week I was home, I was so antsy about getting back to my Call2All family and starting to run with the DTS school. Being back here, it really feels like home away from home. I know that the Lord has provided me with an amazing family that I can run with, do ministry with and simply live life with.

Preparations for the new DTS that I’ll be staffing this January, “Intimacy to Impact” in Kansas City is in full swing. (www.call2all.org/training) I feel like the work never ends, we’re all constantly working on something and as we barely finish one task, another one pops up. But in all the chaos, there is such peace in what we do.

Even though I have no idea how I’ll be living here financially and I have no idea how I will be as a DTS staff, I feel at complete peace. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be. Being in the center of God’s will…there is nothing like it. Following God doesn’t mean that things get easier but it means that regardless of the path you are on, you have peace and strength to walk it out.

As all of us go through staff training and pray over the students, I have such a greater fear of the Lord about being a staff member for the DTS. Because the things that we say to these students, the example we set as leaders…it will effect their eternity. I know that the Lord has placed me in leadership for a reason and I wouldn’t be in this position if He didn’t see me as adequate, but at the same time…its a bit frightening. I realize more and more that as a leader, I need to remain humble before the Lord, asking for His wisdom and discernment on how to lead these students.

If I don’t sit before the Lord myself…pushing myself to go deeper and know His heart, I can’t expect my students to do it also.

Please pray for me. That I will remain steadfast before the Lord. I won’t allow all the work and administrative stuff to prepare for the school allow me to lose focus on the one thing that truly matters…spending time with the Lord. To gaze upon Him and have dove eyes only for Him.

“You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes…” (Song of Solomon 4:9)

Sharing my journey

I was able to share my testimony at Open Door Presbyterian Church last night and it was AMAZING. A few of my friends came out to support me, which was so good for me. I was super nervous before going up there. Because I had been traveling the entire week before giving my testimony, I had barely any time to prepare. But I was praying throughout the entire day, asking the Lord to give me the words to speak and what to share. There are many different parts to my testimony, but I believe the Lord gave me specific things about my story that would resonate with everyone there.

I was shared how the Lord saved me from…basically myself. How the things in the past never seemed to satisfy my heart. I’ve served in church, I had relationships, I partied/drank/smoked, I graduated from a good university…yet..it wasn’t enough. There was still something missing in my life. And I knew it was God.

This past year has been a ridiculously, crazy journey. The Lord completely washed away all my sins, my shame, guilt..my burdens…everything was just erased. It was as if it never existed. And from that point on, I just kept running after the Lord and never looked back.

The Lord led me to go to YWAM and do a DTS where my identity was completely torn down and rebuilt upon the truth of the Bible. During this time, I was able to walk out in the gifts and calling that God has for me, because my identity in HIM was unshakable.

Even at IHOP, the Lord allowed me to have this insatiable, unsatisfied hunger for God, for His presence. No matter how long I would be in the prayer room, the next day, I needed more. I need a fresh outpour of His presence. I became unsatisfied with yesterday’s mercies and revelation. I needed more.

This journey has been truly a crazy one but a blessed one at that.

Now that I’m going back to KC to help pioneer a new YWAM base and staff a DTS, while serving under Call2All….its only the beginning. My God is too good to me, and I trust in Him completely. I’m so thankful for what He has done in my life…ALL GLORY AND PRAISE IS GIVEN TO HIM WHO SIT ON THE THRONE IN HEAVEN.

Empowering the Devil

So I’m going to share something close to my heart and something I believe that almost everyone needs to hear.

Many not know or realize it, but like everyone else in this world (whether they want to admit it or not) I struggle a lot with self-image. Growing up, I was always on the skinnier side and as I got into more athletics, it was easy for me to stay in shape. However, as I’ve gotten older and become a bit less active…I’ve come to realize that if I want to maintain the build that I want, I have to drastically change my diet and my lifestyle. However, I’ve been there and done that (I use to work out 4-5 times/week, 2 hrs/day)…but I never seemed happy with where I was.
Some of you may think I’m just trying to fish for compliments or that I’m crazy in the way I think, but I’ve come to realize that it’s so much deeper than that. It’s a heart issue..if I believe the word of the Lord to be truth.

Psalm 139:14 “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

As I read every part of this sentence, I realized that I didn’t understand the truth of this statement, and I didn’t believe it to be true for me. As I look in the mirror and see myself, I don’t think that I could honestly say “I praise you” to God because He has made me “wonderful”. It’s always one thing or another when I look in the mirror…I’m not skinny enough, I have too many freckles, I’m too tall, I don’t have the right body shape…the list goes on and on…it seems to never end. (for guys, it might be that “you’re not tall enough, you’re not bulky enough, you don’t have enough muscle, you’re too fat, etc.”) The list is the same for both genders. There’s always at least one thing that we would like to change about ourselves, I know that are more than a few for myself.

But as I meditated on the word “wonderful”, the Lord gave me a few definitions that I want to share.
Wonderful: beautiful or magnificent or simply breathtaking. To be filled with awe at what you are gazing upon.

How many of you can say, that when you look in the mirror that you are “filled with awe” by your own reflection? There are times that I’m filled with awe, but not by beauty. More times than not, what I see in the mirror is not “wonderful” in my opinion. But the Word SAYS, “wonderful are your works”. Are we not the work of the Lord? Did He not create us? Did He not create us in HIS IMAGE? (Gen 1:26)

By saying that I’m ugly or criticizing myself in the mirror, I’m saying that what God created is not good enough and that as the CREATOR, He is wrong. That in the way I look, I don’t reflect His image, I don’t reflect His glory. By saying that I’m not beautiful, I’m actually diminishing/tarnishing God’s glory. I am agreeing with the lie that GOD MADE A MISTAKE WHEN HE MADE ME.

When I do this, when I agree with the lies that they enemy is whispering in my ear, I am actually empowering the enemy…I am giving power to the devil.

We are supposed to be living lives that exalt God and give ALL glory back to Him. But every time we say that we’re not “happy with (insert body part here)”, we are taking that glory away from God and giving it to the devil. We end up glorifying the devil in agreeing with his lies instead of giving glory to God for what is the TRUTH.

God spoke very clearly to me saying that when I love being who I am and how He has made me, I give all the glory back to Him. By loving how God has made me, and walking confidently in WHO He has made me to be, I give glory to Him. I give glory to the Father in heaven by loving His creation, by loving HIS REFLECTION THROUGH ME.

This is something that I’m still learning to walk out and hold onto as truth. Every time I look in the mirror, I have to look for the image of God in me and shut out the lies of the enemy. I have to know in my heart that, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” It seems to be so much easier to see the beauty in others and not in ourselves. But this is something that needs to change for all of us, starting with me.

Do you see the image of God in you? I do.
Do I see the image of God in me? I’m beginning to….

it only takes one truth to open the floodgates.

Children are a blessing…right???

So its been almost 3 months since I’ve been in KC and almost EVERY Sunday I feel like so drained. “Why?” you ask….Because I have to help take care of 17-20 TWO YEAR OLDS. I’ve come to realize how unprepared I am to be a mother haha

Each and every Sunday before I enter into the CEC, I feel like I’m about to enter a battlefield haha As soon as i enter that room, I start praying over the room and the kids that will be coming in for that day. I’ve come to realize how important it is to pray before EVERYTHING that we do…especially with children.

It’s so hard to be loving and patient with the kids when each and every one of them has a spirit of rebellion upon them, so they don’t want to listen and begin running everywhere, throwing toys around the room and AT EACH OTHER. And also when they don’t feel the security and love of the presence of the Lord…oh man, they start crying and throwing tantrums before they even cross the doorway to the room. I think that we don’t give the kids enough credit to how sensitive they can be to the Spirit.

Of course when it comes to snack time, each kid has its own issue lol One wants more snack, another needs more water, two or three spill their water almost at the same time, another drops their snack on the floor and then proceed to crush it under their foot, then another kid yells at the one next to them for trying to steal their snack…and then every other kid has a sippy cup that they need to drink out of (which have to be labeled by us if it isn’t already or they’ll all get mixed up)…all the while each teacher is trying to take bites of their own food or drink their coffee to stay energized and awake to keep up with the kids. This is my Sunday morning, every week. hahaha and this is just a small glimpse of what we do.

 

This past Sunday while I was unwinding in the prayer room, I start thinking about how the Lord sees us as His children. How thousands, millions of people are crying out to the Lord, asking for more of His attention, more gifts, asking Him to clean up our spills, asking Him to comfort us when we fall down and hurt ourselves…and during this WHOLE time God is trying to keep us from running around, hurting ourselves and hurting others. We kick and scream when God takes away the scissors from our hands but God knows that it’s too dangerous for us to run around with. We only see Him taking thing AWAY from us, not PROTECTING us. This makes me appreciate the sovereignty and omnipresence of the Lord. He truly is Lord of Lords and King of Kings…simply, He is God who is able to do EVERYTHING in the world, and at the same time, give each and every one of us individualized attention and love. He doesn’t take away His attention from one to give to another child crying out for more of Him, but He is able to give both, actually all of His children the same amount of attention. ( I can’t even handle 3 kids who cry at the same time….)

Just stop and think about it for a moment. He can focus on every one of His children with the same amount of love and attention. He never turns away from one to love another, but He pursues each one of us, AT THE SAME TIME. Every time I try to comprehend who this God is, I’m just struck with awe and wonder. This is His nature and it will never change.

New Seasons, New Challenges, but Even MORE Grace

So things are in full swing here in Kansas City. A few of us are running around, working around the clock, trying to fit in little bits of work here and there; trying to get our new school up and running. Things have been getting more and more busy for me but then there so much grace that God is pouring out on me to continue moving forward.

I am so blessed to be working under legit men and women of God who are able to lead me and help me foster the gifts that God has given to me. One of the more prominent gifts that God has given to me is the gift of Administration. Many think of it as a lesser gift because it’s not exactly like I’m healing the sick, prophesying words or casting out demons, BUT I’m realizing that it truly is a gift. It’s not enough to just exercise your gift, but you need to do it with the heart of the Lord, knowing that what you are doing is ministering to His heart.

My leaders have allowed me to step more into this gift and it’s definitely been a growing process. Ever since my DTS, when all of our passports and visas got stolen, God has allowed me to used this particular gift set to get HIS work done. And by His grace, our school was still able to go on outreach. But I have to admit…I wasn’t the nicest person during this time. I was so stressed out, trying to coordinate with 70 different people. THANK GOD, I had an AMAZING, AMAZING team of students and staff to work with…they were my life savers during this time. But in my own heart, I wasn’t doing it with joy. I was getting stuff done just for the sake of getting it done.

But this time around, God has given me so much grace. SO MUCH GRACE to walk out my gift of Admin with so much more peace and joy. Even though things are 100 times more hectic, more stressful and more time consuming…i have so much more joy in what I do.
What we’re doing here, isn’t just getting new passports and visas but we’re getting a new base and dts by January. It’s definitely a journey to see how everything will unfold, but I know that with the team that I’ll be running with, it’s going to be such a fruitful season.
Not only my leaders, but the other staff that will be coming in, have a heart and mind that is fully set and focused on the Lord, making things so much easier to do. It may seem weird, why would we spend 2-3 hours in the prayer room, when we could be spending that time to get more work done? But if we’re not in the prayer room, they we begin to do things out of our own flesh, will and strength. And if you guys know, when we do things out of our flesh…we tend to fail…for me, I tend to face plant.

But this a new season. A season that will bring ALOT of challenges, but a season that I know will bear so much fruit. I know alot of it will have to do with the team that I am running with, but so much more because of HIS GRACE. God is just pouring out His grace upon us to get all this stuff done.

He is so good. He gives us enough grace to walk into the new seasons in our lives and He gives it to us in His perfect time.

So bring the challenges, bring the work…I have God’s grace on my side. Nothing can stop me since He goes before me and He is my rear guard.